Everything, the beginning is the end.

今雨ふる　now the rain is falling

Saturday, July 21, 2007 Fast Train through Berlin  

When I left you that morning I laughed at your sincerity and attempted to hurt you with confident condescention. Invisible cables, hooks and claws you speared them at me you tried to draw me in as a fisherman... I am not a mermaid. You love what you want to see. You see what you love. I'll listen, but, Fuck you if you think I want to care. Fuck you for making me speak that memory. Fuck you for falling in love and not just letting me fuck you.  

Sunday, March 18, 2007  Magician  

He writes: "I'll perform a simple magic trick for you." The magic however, has already started. Over the past weeks and months and weeks and days, a strange transformation - a shifting of confidences and prejudices. A movement deep within my most secret muscle. Not that one. The one I used to visualise as stitched up, bleeding black blood and hidden behind and icy rib-cage. Shattered, torn, broken. I used to have a broken heart, but now that bird I kept caged for so long can sing and fly and be set free.  

Monday, February 19, 2007  New Poem 

I reach my heart out toward freedom, it could be so good. Give a little, get it back Give a little, guts turn black. but black is the colour of hard-boiled determination black is the colour of now. I reach my HEART out toward untamed possibility, listen, like an mp3, substance from electricity. Is there some electricity bouncing back and forth from that distant shore: the distance between you and me. I reach my heart out. I reach my heart out. Like an olympian in training, Like an over-stretched rubber glove, Like an inelegant similie, I reach my heart out.  

Friday, January 12, 2007 Ppppp  

Hazy in recollection, the events of the past few weeks mould together. Oh, where are you going? And what are you doing?  

Thursday, November 23, 2006 Tease

Category: Writing and Poetry I made this earth-shattering choice yesterday. I made this choice. This choice is to say I love you. At the same moment I made that choice, I made a second choice. I made another choice. That choice was to never tell you I love you. Never tell you at all. You see, I'm a sucker for unrequited love. Unconsummated love. I love to love you from afar. I love to delay the pleasure. I love to imprison you in my fantasy. I'll never tell you who you are. I made this choice yesterday, it wasn't so grand it seems. I made the choice yesterday, to stay hidden in the wings. I listened to my inner masochist, she's not too stupid it seems. If I follow my inner masochist, I'll always have my dreams.  

Saturday, November 18, 2006 Ramblee

I t was a quiet Saturday afternoon and I had plenty of time to think. I went down the usual thought paths: well trodden and familiar. Finally I reached an original thought. I thought: wow! It's so nice to be here. The original thought replied, 'you're just thinking...' Then I was catapulted back into a memory. A thought I've thought many a time before. Oblivia, she has poison in her sweat glands. It's not a deadly poison it's just one that makes everything and everyone around her wither. Oblivia and me, we don't get on as well as we used to. I think it's 'cause I don't think so much anymore. Anyway, I was there, on this saturday afternoon, sipping a gin and soda ('cause I couldn't find the tonic) and waiting for something to happen. xox Thursday, November 09, 2006 A month free and money to burn Choice cripples like no other degenerative disease. Infinite possibilities mock the dilletante lurking inside. What to do? What to do? What to do? Thursday, November 02, 2006 No Space is Sacred (or Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll) No space is sacred, not even that sweet hole at your core. Apple seeds pip you at the post. Wriggle down inside, gasp and grasp around for a purchase, slippery dark walls cave in, cave down. No space is sacred, not even that sweetly scented open field in your mind. Dandylions nod you to sleep. Lay down on the green green grass and pass out, forget it all for a while, paranoid shadows creep in, creep up. No space is sacred, not even where that sweet note penetrated your being. Soundwaves rock your boat. Slip into seawater, be buffeted about and bashed upon the shore, humming oblivion turns in, turns it up. Sunday, October 15, 2006 More or Less Nonsense Joyce and Elliot come and play, come and play, come and play. Joyce and Elliot come and play so we can laugh another day. Excess confusion causes mental constipation. Excessive eating erases exercise and effort. Lazy days drifting sideways and downwards. Dazed by the brilliant blinding light, blinking... Underwhelmed: just a jittery jilter. Supress that alley cat, always a stray. Struggle like your life was leaving you behind. Self taught and teaching. Stranger to the masses, mental masturbation. Danger danger! Danger danger! Dangerous people, prison prisms and polular products. Poison plants populate precious places. Arrow shot from the mouths of the machine gun men. Shaft of darkness, shadows in the night. Shifty buisness this. Mysterious catch cry calling, calling. Mystery unsolved, understanding? Unlikely. Solved, what a shock! Solvent green. Astringent delicately placed. Gentlemen! Ladies! The sons of men rolling downhill. and Jill came tumbling after Friday, October 06, 2006 Post Modern Dis- Ease Work work work work drunk. Work work work work tv. Work work work work stoned. Work work work work drunk. Monday, October 02, 2006 Change It just exploded! In my face, just then, like some amazing first-hand fireball. That personality-in-flux just went up in flames, Jesus! Why doesn't she just deal with it? It just crumbled in my hands, just now, after a few months of turning that blind eye. That incompatibility just showered me in ice. Shards! Right into my rock-solid rib-cage. It just disintegrated into dust. Just before. That book I'd been writing from age 13. That blasted facade. Just disappeared. Saturday, September 16, 2006 Slacker She took a whole damn day just to wash her hair. Stuffing around and pausing to investigate the smallest thing: that crossword just needed to be completed. Such masterful procrastination warrents my admiration. In fact, I'll finish this poem later.... Sunday, August 27, 2006 At Odds Judder and dash between the limits of comfortable and uncomfortable. Just because you're a family friend does that give you the right to lay your aged hands on her unaged arse? I know it's all fun for you, makes you feel younger, right? Stop and think old man, what does it do to the girl, your ex-girlfriend's second daughter. Does she shudder from your touch? Is that high-pitched laugh generated from shock, or outrage? Watch how she turns her face away from your good-bye kiss. "Don't be a stranger", "Next time you're in town" and then there it is - why did you touch her lips? You craned your aged neck around to seek her pink fleshiness out. Unwanted, uncalled-for. Unable to talk about it, that girl, she rubs her lips and the imprint of his touch tingles for the rest of the afternoon. She feels huge in her feminine curves. Criticises herself in the mirror. Effaces female form, un-hideable bosoms and hips veiled behind baggy jeans, lank hair and an XL t-shirt. You see, he's not the first. By no means the first. Friday, August 25, 2006 Obligation - A Stylistic Triptych 1. FREE VERSE I thought it was time to do a thing, I thought it was the wrong time, I thought it was the right thing to do, at the time, I thought I was right. 2. SET SYLLABLES If desire dictated all of my choices, just where would I be now? The golden filter to sort out all other voices, is what, who, how? I won't let my conscience be stifled, I can't let my own voice be silenced, If desire deflated my strongest defences, oh where would I stand now? 3. HAIKU Spring comes too early. Standing silently outside, I wait for your answer. Sunday, August 20, 2006 Writer's Block I was suffering from some strange affliction, like a need, it fidgeted inside my skull and distracted me from peace. I couldn't settle down, it was like some prick from a stinging nettle had worked its way into my sub-conscious and frustratingly it wouldn't loosen its hold. I tried to satiate it with coffee and sugar. I tried to drown it with beer and milk. I tried to tempt it with broken promises and I tried to placate it with sorrow. To no avail. 'Inaction breeds anxiety' I told myself and industriously did 3 crosswords. No change. 'Not enough' I thought to myself and licked the icing out of the bowl (I had baked a cake) to the point of feeling sick. Still nothing, now I was restless and sick. And then I sat down to write tension starts to ease And then I sat down to write and I felt a little better. Wednesday, August 09, 2006 I Category: Writing and Poetry Is this a similar experience? Looking backward, not forward, for once identify identity looking forward in the past. Clarify that confusion: Past self, revealed through old ink, that old self, seen in aged paper, thought of the future. She did. She thought of the future and now (present simply put) Now, she's thinking of the past and trying. She's continuous. She's a stream of consciousness; she's looking back to find a clue in crumpled paper, in old hard drives, in diluted pixels and old ink. Continuous self. Re-reading, re-defining, examining and declining to criticise to harshly (after all she's got ego). Voice. There's a word for her. Voice. Does it stand out for her? Can she hear it clearly in those past words or does she only hear the change. Ego, wo, atashi: I. I who am, am I who, I am I. Saturday, August 05, 2006 Bored Poem Current mood: hopeful Category: Writing and Poetry Feeling older now that the years have worn off. Not feeling older now my life has worked itself into a symmetrical pattern: living at home again. Dreams invade my peace of mind. A sex scene swamped by a real ghost. I'm floundering in an endless sea. Drowning in my inacessability. Drowning in my ultimate denial. And, finally, desperate to unite my ideal self with my real self. Monday, July 31, 2006 Single Bitch's Curse (a comedy) Current mood: chipper Category: Writing and Poetry Remourseful over guilty thoughts of lust: full of doubt over whether that guy noticed me. And, if he did, was I disgusting or attractive? And, even if he did, he's got a girlfriend anyway. Damn her (single bitch's curse). Wednesday, May 10, 2006 Something Current mood: creative Category: Writing and Poetry It's just another quick blush, a cold crush, a sinking feeling after the rush. It's just another slip on the quick surface, a flick of the wrist and it's gone. It's just another dash through the silent crash, we slash at nothing and nothing and nothing. It's just another thrust of a pointed rusty knife into my trust, bust burst open, reveals a bleeding heart. It's just another miss, blame it on the piss. I'm pissed, angry at you man, angry at you girl. It's just another waste, a deadly taste of that jealousy / boredom imposed upon the chaste. It's just another choice. Rejoice! You have a choice. Something at least remains to you, unstolen. Empty and pure. Like an unbroken egg with no yolk inside. It's just another scream, a silent rant. Words have no sound, they 'spark no lightning' unless read. Are you reading this? Are you reading this? Are you reading this? Are you alive, voice and all? Voice and all. Tuesday, April 18, 2006 WONDER WOMAN Current mood: impressed Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities Or... Why Wonder Woman is Cool. Ok, so just listen to segments of the theme song: "In your satin tights, fighting for your rights.... Get us out from under, Wonder Woman!" Is she talking about the missionary position??? I think so! Set against the backdrop of 40's America battling against Nazi espionage (were the Nazi's ever even near America? I thought that was Japan) Wonder Woman runs around with hips in plain sight (gasp!) smaking up male bitches, delfecting bullets with her super speed and special feminum (yes, it's a new alloy) wristbands, faking voices and reeling in baddies with her magic golden lasso which also compells you to tell the truth. WOW! While most other women are lying at home fucked up on Valium she's out there sticking up for women's rights and fighting the Axis of Evil! AND she has boobs!! AND she's got really curvy hips!!! AND she's a brunette!!! All in all, Wonder Woman is cool. I wonder if I can get a costume made in my size......... A piece of real advice: Start the day well; enjoy choosing the clothes you're going to wear, bask in the shower, stretch. Why? Because it's all about perspective. I mean, the way you feel and think ultimately effects what happens to you. We are the masters of our own destiny through the way we react to what, and who, Fortune throws our way. It's such a beautiful day today. It has been raining intermittantly over the past few days and now the city feels fresh. Skies are clouded with moisture, not dust and smog. The air is crisp and cool. It brings a refreshing change and completes Winter pleasantly. In fact, I may just go for a walk outside right now. Thursday, April 06, 2006 I Love Chinglish These are the blurbs from some movies I bought recently, ten points if you can tell me what movies they are! In 1953 together the terrible slice of a 3 Ds was hea vy to clap.A flock of good friend fore go toward the b ig schoolThe small town of the American football ga me on the way wild countryside meets the homicidal evil brothers, heTake collecting the made-up wax of the guest who comes uninvited corpse as the joy, th is cluster of nowGood friend must before become dis playing the article think that the exhausted way flee for life. This move reorganizes according to two true story within warses. In the World War II, England passes the carrier pigeon toward France to resist the organization and European allied troops to inform the order, losing to make sec ret report the carrier pigeons all want to pass strictly Of training.Among them have a pigeon son to named 'warrior' (the ten thousand - s exceed the space thunder dub), this stock dove son thinks that the exhausted way mix into the carrier pigeon troops , Is an a dint that the ability is own only, although he is obvious some lack the ability to do.Once the warrior enlist, receiving to open hostilities then the most important Mission:The Normandy debark ation the activity notifies to resist for France to organize the ...... this the ' gold benefit jazz plays a Nazi therin of for use by the military hunt the . Thursday, April 06, 2006 Interconnectivity Current mood: sad Category: Life Why is it that people's sharp edges seem to scratch away at your surface, but never penetrate? Or maybe that's just me. It just seems we're all searching for something elusive... is it happiness? Is it a condition of the modern age, or just that ageless human condition: lonliness? In any case it's a rare moment when you can just rest and be content, it's a rare moment when we don't have to be entertained. What is it that you do with your spare time? How do you reach fulfillment? And when you do does it drive away that background anxiety that you're a fraud and your life is essentially meaningless? Are we all just mindless consumers; a mouth and nothing more. Or maybe that's just me. I'm trying not to get upset about the 16th of this month, but it's getting harder. I'm trying to open my heart to love, but it's never been easy. I'm trying to ward off isolation, but it stems from springs internal. Obladi oblidah life goes on and on, nananana life goes on. Saturday, April 01, 2006 Another Poem I'm Afraid. Category: Writing and Poetry A River, A Creek, Rain It's a grey day so you can't tell when exactly it is that the sun begins to sink deeper into the murk. So these are the real streets, hiding here, behind the creek. On days like today no one casts a shadow. Yet light still slips through the cracks. A veil sheets across everything curtaining off something tangible yet horribly distant; is that me holding my breath? The whole city is sighing. Cold breath shudders as the grey light dimms: strangled by black. The lights stand out peripherally. There is water, thick, upon the air. Wednesday, March 22, 2006 ONE Night TWO Drum and Bass Events!! Current mood: complacent Category: Music Well well well, It was a relatively quiet evening in Shanghai. I finished shouting nonsense at small children around 5pm and then headed to PAUSE an event put on by 5 different underground music crews. The venue was different this time and very swanky: 2 levels separated by led-light curtains and a winding staircase. I had met some of the organisers at a bar a few evenings ago so I had the heads up that there was a "green" room and came prepared. Downstairs were the dj's and multimedia displays, animation and vjing. Upstairs were ticket sales and live graffiti, design and music shops. All of this was pretty exciting because underground music is VERY underground in Shanghai. I'd say house music is played in about 99% the clubs all the time. I got to talking with Dj Siesta (Jane) who is probably the main promoter of dnb in Shangers and I was her first customer for Shyfx and MC Skibadee tix. I must say, I was pretty excited and can't wait for the gig. I also made friends with a nice German VJ called Alex and her DJ partner, they have their own event on this friday night, she put me on the door so I'll write about MICROFABRIQUE soon. I heard DJ V-Nuts winner of the 2005 Shanghai DMC comp (which was heaps of fun), Siesta and Haze (who I think is from oz). PAUSE wound up at about 8pm (it started at 1pm) and, after a yummy dinner and a few wines, made my way to WE LOVE JUNGLE at Club Pegasus. Just like the first WLJ the dance floor was totally empty with a million people crowded into the seats and bar space. After collecting my free drink (no paying for booze 'til midnight!!) I braved the stares and indulged in one of my favourite passtimes: dancing like a spastic on an empty dancefloor. Siesta was spinning (using actual vinyl, a novelty in China) some particularly funky tunes. Her style is not very hard. But then, you don't get anything even approaching the kind of darkness I know and love here. For that extra slice of cheese she slipped in Bodyrock! Hahaha, how often did I hear that one at the Moonbar? After a while (mebbe it was the free booze) some more dancers appeared, Chinese dnb newbies jumping around and monkeying the MC for kicks and kudos; ex-pat's lurching drunkenly. You can always be sure that foreigners will drink more than Chinese! Alex informed me that one of the MC's was only in Shanghai for 4 days and he'd bumped into her and some of the other organisers at a bar, just turned up to MC for an experience. Things are pretty open here, if I could mix I could probably play at their next event. As it is I'm considering doing a bit of rhyming, but am not sure. Anyway I want to subject these guys to some REAL DARKNESS! Steve, where are my wrath cd's???? Hugs and Kisses to all! Wednesday, March 01, 2006 The meaning of cold Current mood: awake Category: Writing and Poetry Inner space warmed only by the dry crush of warmed-up air-conditioned air. Outside rain drops whistle past for what is now the sixth in no specific series of days. The orange and yellow towel is still wet and it seems like things will never thaw, let alone dry. How many umbrella's do I buy and then leave behind? How many days lie wasted? As I lie wasted, sucking on that green source of cold cold cold amusement. Springtime. 1:56 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 KudosTranslatePowered by Recently I have started an adventure: I'm backpacking around for a few months... watch this space for a blow by blow account of what happens along the way! It all started a few weeks ago... The end of March. I have left all time/date recording devices behind which means I am a little hazy on dates etc at the moment. Anyway, I scored a cheap flight by going to Phuket via Taipei.. If you check a map you'll see that I went quite a ways out of my way. My stopover in Taipei was great fun! I stayed overnight in the Miramar Golf Resort, there were quite a few other stopover passengers and I made friends with a Japanese girl name Eri. She and I escaped the hotel and took a 50 minute taxi ride into Taipei city. We went to the Shi Lin night markets... it was great fun, we met up with some other Taiwanese people Eri and I knew and walked around looking at shops, eating and talking. Fun Times! In the morning I said goodbye to Eri and caught my connecting flight to Phuket. There I met up with my good friend Tamsin! She and I became friends in Shanghai.. but that's another story... I stayed in Tamsin's flat for a week in Phuket.